If you get offended easily, stop reading now. This is an angry post, that I will probably take down later when I have come to my senses. And please do not lecture me.
I get that marriage is between a man and a woman. It is what I have been taught my whole life, it is what I believe. Gay people (some, just like some non-gay people) are good, nice people. I have known some. I honestly feel for those people who fight their gayness their whole life and then they just can’t bear it any longer and make the choice. Is it something in their brain or for every gay person is it a choice? Do I think that they should be allowed to have a marriage recognized by God? No, I do not. Marriage is for man and woman. Do I think we should offer them something? Yes, I do. I feel for the gay couple that spends their life together and then one of them dies and their bitter family doesn’t let the partner that they have loved and spent their life with have a dang thing. I don’t think that is right. What does that say about me? I am trying to figure that out. And these states that banned gay couples from adopting. There are so many children in this world living without love. If a child can feel loved, safe, warm at night, taken care of, should that be stopped just because they live with 2 women or 2 men? I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I am trying to figure that out as well. If gay couples can’t adopt, I don’t think single people should be allowed to either. Fair is fair. The world is a mess, isn’t it?
Trials – we had a lesson in R.S. yesterday about trials. And all those women in that room are way better and more faithful than me. The question was asked, “How do you deal with your trials?” All the answers were so good and faithful and testimony building. I felt like I didn’t belong in that room at that moment. It was very emotional. How do I make it through my trials? I endure, whatever it takes. After the trial is over, sure I can look back and see how it blessed me, changed me, made my testimony stronger. But, during it, are you kidding me? I am anger, bitter, I daydream of drinking a bottle of vodka to forget the pain if only for a second. I guarantee you didn’t hear that answer in R.S. Somedays (like today) I am grateful that I even make it out of bed in the morning. I endured for one more day by getting out of bed. I have a trial in my life that will never go away until I die. Every single day when I wake up, I know that at some point during the day, I will be faced with that trial and have to find some way to overcome it, deal with it, endure it. Some days are better than others. Have I been blessed because of this trial? Absolutely, I have a beautiful daughter, who I wouldn’t trade for the world, therefore, I wouldn’t trade my trial for anything. Does that make it easy? I can’t think of an appropriate way to say no. So, no it does not make it easy. Every time someone tells me they are pregnant, it feels like someone stabbed a knife in my body and carved a jack o’ lantern. (After that passes, I truly, sincerely, honestly, couldn’t be happier for you, I PROMISE!!) How does a person endure a life long trial? I don’t have the answer. But, it is not all peaches and roses and prayers and scriptures. Somedays, yes that is the answer. Most days, it is endured with a smile on my face and a heart ready to give and the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. Other days, I am staring at that bottle of vodka. I wish I could be like all those women in that room and face my trials like them.
One more thought…I read on a LDS message board the other day, someone who was struggling with their testimony and said that he was absolutely satisfied and at peace with going to the terrestrial kingdom. It was good enough for him. What is wrong with living for all eternity with Jesus Christ?, he asked. It is something I have never thought about. Would I be happy just living with Jesus Christ? No, I wouldn’t. So, I need to figure all the above stuff out before it is too late.