I had a really, really fun summer. Novalie and I had a really, really fun summer together. It was the fastest summer I have ever experienced. I shouldn’t have made it so fun, then maybe it would have dragged. But, I can’t change the fact that it is over. And I can’t change the fact that my sweet little baby girl is in 1st grade.
I knew 1st grade was going to be hard….on me. Seriously, I was crying a week before school started. We bought school supplies, I cried in Walmart. We went to look who her teacher was and I cried. We got a letter in the mail from her teacher and I cried (oh yeah, and I ripped it up in tiny pieces and talked to it like it wasn’t going to take my daughter). Issues, you are thinking? I would say so. I tried so hard to not let Novalie see me cry and I really talked 1st grade up like it was going to be fantastic fun so she would be excited.
I tried my hand at magic powers(to make time stop), but who knew….I don’t have magic powers. The first day of first grade arrived. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE….except I was awake and lived it. I drive Novalie to her school and on the way I chew my cheek raw from trying to not cry which worked. I can do it, I can do it….we get inside and Novalie started to cry. I wasn’t even worried about her. Last year she couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. Just a few weeks before she was telling me that I couldn’t walk her into gymnastics camp because it wasn’t cool. This I was not expecting! She cried and held onto me so tightly. She kept saying, “I don’t want to be away from you all day.” Her teacher finally had to pry her off of me and drag her away crying. That is how I left her.
You can imagine how long that day was for me and how excited I was when the time came for me to finally meet the bus. All the kids get off the bus and no Novalie. Remember when I said it was a nightmare….it was a nightmare. Her friend told me that they had to switch buses at the bus barn because only one bus comes out to our town, so all 3 elementaries transfer to one bus. Well, I didn’t know this, so of course I didn’t tell Novalie to expect this. She told her friends that she wasn’t going to switch buses because I didn’t tell her she was supposed to. I run home and call Kevin because that is the only thing I can think of to do (I couldn’t think staight). He called the school and then I thought I should call the bus department. So, I did and I listened as he called different bus drivers asking if they had Novalie and all I kept hearing was “no, I don’t have her.” Thoughts like, this can’t be happening to Novalie, to us, is she scared, is she crying, does she know that she is safe and I will find her kept running through my head. It was probably 60 seconds only until I heard, “I have her and she is asleep,” but that was a long 60 seconds where no one knew where my precious little girl was. It was horrible, just horrible! Kevin went to the bus barn because he was closer and Novalie was just fine and not affected by it. She was asleep which was such a blessing! However, it is a feeling I don’t ever ever ever want to experience again.
We are almost done with our second week of school and things got a lot better and she has the bus route down and she is excited to go to school each morning. She is one tired little girl when she gets home, but we are adjusting and will have a good year.
Last week I wandered around not really knowing what I was doing or what to do. It was like I was in a daze until Novalie got home. I had questions like…what is my purpose now, what is my role in life now? I felt completely lost and very angry. I was supposed to have 9 kids and here I am with one and she is gone all day…now what? It was a very hard week. I cried a lot and completely smothered Novalie with hugs, kisses and attention when she got home. She actually said, “you can go on the computer if you want.” I was seriously emotionally exhausted by Sunday and I just snapped out of it. Yes, I still have all those questions and I miss Novalie more than I could ever express, but am I really going to use my time to complain and have the “wo is me attitude”? That is too exhauting. Instead, I have quit my whining, I am so grateful for the blessing that Novalie is, my healthy, smart, kind, beautiful daughter and I am going to make the most of this time for me. Does that mean I won’t cry?, no…I did today because I wanted to share something with Novalie and she wasn’t there for me to do that. But, I had a little cry and then went about my day. Think of all the things I can learn and create this year. Think of all the things I can do to serve others this year. Change is hard. I didn’t think this change was going to be this difficult. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I am brushing the bricks off and taking one step at a time. Like Novalie said in the car this morning, “summer will be here again before we know it!” I just need to blink again and it will be here.