I very rarely write personal things on this blog. I keep it because I have a horrible memory and I don’t remember much of my childhood. I want Novalie to remember. I think it is cool that Novalie will have so many experiences, day to day life and learning growths recorded for her.
I don’t think I am going to get around to blogging about the rest of our summer.
Just trust me that it looked like this:
Today, I have so many things that have been occupying by brain, that I feel like writing to get them out in a place that I will be responsible for. Does that make sense? It is okay if it doesn’t, it does to me. And because Novalie will read one day about the things that her crazy mother was worried/stressed/bothered by/ranting and raving about.
~At Novalie’s tennis lessons, 2 moms came in and sat down. About half way through the lesson, they struck up a conversation. I heard every word of their conversation because we were inside a tennis lounge that looks out over the indoor courts, so it was impossible not to. The one mom said she had 2 kids and was good with just 2, the other had 3. Then they started talking about how they don’t know how mom’s do it with a lot of kids. And then the mom of the 2 said this: “My sister has 7 kids. I don’t know how she does it! Although, 2 of her kids were adopted.” To which the other mom responded, “oh, that must be tough.” And then they went on talking about ballet. I wanted to turn around and say, “WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?” But, I didn’t. My second thought was, I am so glad Novalie wasn’t sitting here to hear that. That is what makes me the most mad about what she said. If a child that was adopted heard that, stop and think about what those words says to an adopted child. You are less then. You are different (in a bad way). You are not a REAL part of your family. You are harder to parent. You do not belong. Breaks my heart. I can’t get this conversation out of my head. Not because I wish I could go back and say something because I probably still wouldn’t, but because I don’t know how to change it. Breaks my heart.
~I feel like I have been having these epiphanies lately with understanding more about Novalie. Maybe not epiphanies, but things I have known, but just all of sudden click all together. Like her needing quiet stillness in certain situations, which I wrote about before. The other morning I was thinking about Novalie and just worrying about her for a various of reasons like mother’s do and it just occurred to me that Novalie is extra sensitive to her senses. Separately, I have been dealing with this her whole life. If I had a pebble in my shoe, I could walk on it for a long time until I found a time or place to stop, take my shoe off and take the pebble out. If this happened to Novalie, she would scream bloody murder and drop to the ground that instance to remove the pebble even if an angry 800 pound grizzly bear was chasing her. She won’t wear jeans or any pants made of anything other than cotton or spandex. All her tags have to be cut off. Her socks have to be just right. Her shoes have to fit just right. She won’t wear flats without socks. She has meltdowns when too hot or too cold. She can’t handle different smells. One day I made her and I chicken sandwiches. I put a piece of lettuce on mine. She wanted a bite of mine. She loved it with lettuce and wanted lettuce on hers. The next day, I made her a chicken sandwich and put a piece of lettuce, just a different kind…darker, not as crisp and it was the grossest thing she had even eaten and why would I ever put lettuce on her sandwich. She can’t handle other food textures as well. Her reactions to her senses are extremely emotionally charged. In the past, I have reacted strongly to her strong reactions to these small things I considered just inconveniences and thought she just needed to chill and stop being so dramatic. But to her it is so much more. I have a stack of books from the library to understand more about extra sensitive children especially when it comes to senses.
~Novalie is so different from the kind of child I was, that sometimes it takes me a long time to understand where she comes from. But, I think about it constantly and pray constantly about it. I am trying so hard to be the best mother I can be for her. My quiet, reserved, loner, keep everything inside personality sometimes just does not get it. I think we are constantly teaching each other things by being so different. I just don’t want to mess up the amazing human being she is.
~Part of being the best mother I can be is to start taking care of my physical self which I have not done the last year. I have gained a lot of weight. A lot. I never understood when I heard about back fat. I do now. I just feel gross. I have been trying to move my body more in a physically demanding way and making better food choices. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be, but each day doing just a little bit better.
~I am an irresponsible and immature adult. I lack self discipline and self control. I don’t think that showing self discipline was ever a modeled behavior shown to me. It is interesting to read about how expectations and boundaries that were in place as a child carry over into adulthood. Understanding this sure has lit a fire under my bum to model a different behavior to Novalie. Like showing her that I have to exercise to feel healthy. And that buying her that stuff animal sure is fun to see her face light up, but that $10 is 10 more dollars I could have in my savings account working towards bigger goals. I always got what I wanted when I wanted it. I don’t want to use that as an excuse now. I have a choice every single day. Again, I will not be perfect. I have recognized this lack of self control and discipline and that is the first step. I make choices everyday that can add to my future happiness or make life more difficult for myself. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, right?
~What in the heck is all this nonsense about place value? Seriously, Novalie has spent more time doing place value homework than any other type of homework since 2nd grade. It wasn’t part of my math curriculum and I ruled at math. I just don’t get it.
~Novalie is an emotionally charged child. Man alive, is she ever. She has been like that from day one. Add to it her changing body and raging hormones constantly changing inside her and boy howdy, she blows emotions out of the park. You know, I wonder if her hormone levels are seriously out of whack? But, since day one? I don’t know, maybe something to ask her doctor about. It has been a long time since she has had an emotional breakdown, but I worry about her emotions all the time and constantly work with her on how to handle them. She is starting to work with the school counselor about friendship issues because those are where her emotions are the strongest right now. She has a lot of friends that are not necessarily in the same friend group at school, so someone is mad at Novalie everyday because she didn’t play with them. It is tough being so outgoing and friendly.
~I am loving Keith Urban’s new album. And Sherly Crow’s. I am tempted everyday to just sit at the computer and listen to their albums on repeat while pinning things to Pinterest thinking to myself why am I not doing some of these awesome things? Or look at the humor sayings and laugh and wonder with amazement how people have a gift of putting those words together to explain everyday situations that are just so darn true. I need to make a new board name, I DID IT, and move my pins in there as I do them.
~I am working on being patient. We all want to move back to Washington. I want to move tomorrow. No plan, let’s just go. I want it to happen and no, I don’t want to come up with a financially plan or time table, I just want to go with nothing and make it happen when we get there. This takes up most of my brain space. Why put up with a life that no one in your family wants one more day? Just move already. Alright, back to the being a responsible adult, blah, blah, blah stuff. I get it. You need a job and place to live, but isn’t my faith that it will work out enough to make it happen? I want it to happen. Like yesterday.
~I am so excited for the return of Scandal and Revenge. So excited that I check my calendar everyday to make sure I have the season premiere dates right. My guilt pleasures. I am in love with Kerry Washington’s character in Scandal. Okay, minus the part of her having an affair with the president. Ha! But, her job…she kicks some serious butt and loves imperfect quirky people.
~To go to the circus or not go to the circus? It looks fun and like a great show. Novalie would no doubt love it. But, is it money I really want to spend when we are going to OR in two months and then Christmas the following month? And I want to move to WA tomorrow. Decisions.
~Novalie likes her friends to come to our house to play. She rarely, rarely goes to one of her friends house. One of her BFF’s is starting to be offended by this. Novalie likes to be home where I am available if she needs it. I think she has a hard time at other people’s houses dealing with siblings. She doesn’t have experience with siblings and some situations she doesn’t handle well. Which kicks in the guilt of her being an only child. I encourage her all the time to play at her friend’s houses. I like that she likes to play at home, but she needs to be confident in her problem solving skills. I tell her she can call me anytime and I will come get her. Her response is always that she just doesn’t feel comfortable at other friend’s houses. Should I make her? She does well at school. She uses her skills at recess. Maybe that is enough for now.
~Darn it, I missed Thursday’s at Great Harvest. It is the only day they sell the hi-fiber whole wheat bread that I love. Now, I have to wait another week.
~I checked out a few books about Mexico at the library for a report Novalie has to do on Hernando Cortes. Yesterday, I handed one of the books to Novalie and told her to put it in her backpack to take to school. She said, “Uh, Mom, there are naked people on the cover of this book.” WHAT? Yup, naked Indians on the cover. Didn’t even notice. Today, her friend came over and the first thing she did was say, “look at this book my mom checked out of the library, she didn’t even know there were naked people on the cover.” Oh my goodness. I feel like I should call her parents and apologize.
~Life has been smooth sailing lately. The calm before the storm?
These are only all the thoughts I had in the first 30 minutes of being awake today. It is a party in my brain.
Writing is healing.