Can we just go back to the days where I was given a bouquet of rocks for Mother’s Day and I fell deeply more in love with my baby girl? My favorite.
I am pretty selfish on Mother’s Day. The other 364 days of the year, I want zero (and I mean zero) focus on myself. I don’t like any attention drawn to myself for any reason. But, Mother’s Day is all about me. I want to be told that I am the best mother in the world.
All I ever wanted to be was a mother. I went to college to make my dad happy and even then I majored in how to be a mother. Six to nine was my number of kids with nine being what I really wanted. I knew pretty early on in my marriage that I would not bear children. It was a shock, but I think through the 18 years of marriage thus far, I have handled it with a pretty good attitude. That doesn’t mean that sometimes the ache and pain is so deep, so raw, so gut wrenching painful that I cry ugly tears until I can’t breathe. Because those moments happen. And when they do, I just don’t think I can bear it, but I do and end up saying, “ok God, I trust you.”
Novalie came along seven years into our marriage. She is mine because of a faithful woman acting as God’s instrument in this life. Novalie was my daughter long before she came to this earth, God just had to be creative in having us find each other again. I don’t say that to take away anything from her birth mother. I just know she was to give Novalie life and I was to be her mother. I will always love and be beyond grateful for the selfless love of her birth mother.
Novalie is now almost eleven. The past eleven years, I have felt the pain of infertility more so than the first seven years because I know how much I love being a mother and I thought for sure I would get the chance to be a mother again and again. There have been times that we have put all our energy, time and resources into adding to our family and the answer has always been no. There have been times when I have just said, “I am here, I am willing, I will love any child you send my way,” and just live my life with that prayer in my heart. When Novalie is feeling sad and lonely wishing for a sibling, I tell her to feel sad for a moment, but then go and don’t complain. For whatever reason, this is His will for her life and for mine and it will do no good to feel sorry for yourself and think it is totally unfair. (which it is, by the way) It won’t change a thing, so be happy in this moment and don’t search for answers where there are no answers.
My passion in life is motherhood. I have tried these past few years while Novalie goes to school all day to find a new passion. I wish I could do crafts and sew all day. I have tried. It is not my passion. I am so not a project person. If I can’t do the project in a day, I don’t want anything to do with it. A couple of the years, my days were consumed with service while I was in the Relief Society Presidency which was okay, but overwhelming for my personality. I volunteer when I can at school. I miss my friends which would take up my time during the week. Nothing comes close to motherhood however.
I am always thinking and worrying about Novalie. I want to get her and be present for her and be the best for her. I often find myself fleeing to the library to raid the parenting section. Right now, I am reading (again and again) “How to talk so teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk.” I also have, “The Five Love Languages for Teenagers” waiting for me. I know Novalie is not a teenager yet, but man alive her behavior sure is sometimes. I find those books more relatable than the children ones. What I realize lately is that I need to be fleeing to the scriptures and prayer more often than the library. Sure I say those often deep pleading prayers only a mother can understand, but I need to turn to it more.
Even when she is crabby and I feel at odds with her, I can scoop her up, snuggle her, read with her and take silly photos with her. Then, all is right again.
I feel like I am constantly adjusting to new attitudes and behaviors with Novalie. I find myself lately looking at her and thinking (sometimes saying), “you are 10 years old, act like it!” Then later when I reflect back on it, I feel sad and want to go back and change my thinking to….”you are ONLY 10 years old, you are still learning.” The last couple of months have been a roller coaster of emotions of sweetness and awesomeness mixed with raging hormone moodiness. I am constantly trying to figure her out and be what she needs when she needs it. I often fail miserably, thank goodness for forgiveness! I am trying to be the best mother I can be for her and it never leaves my mind. I don’t just go about life being her mother, I consciously go about life being her mother. My passion is being her mother.
So, on this day, Mother’s Day, I want her to tell me how fabulous I am. And she did. She wrote me a sweet letter which is tucked into my heart forever (which is too sacred to share).
Her awesome artwork.
It’s time to say,
Time to have a time for fun,
Poem by Novalie. She knows me well to add “with SUN!”
Trying to get her to hold still for a picture. I was unsuccessful.
Despite her complaining that I made pancakes for breakfast instead of biscuits and gravy (the norm for a Sunday morning) and despite having a hissy fit about going to church (well, your dad and I are going to take the sacrament, feel the spirit and learn about Jesus…if you want to come you know where your clothes are and where the church is, you can find us…ha!….take that for mothering!) it was a good Mother’s Day because I got to hear how awesome I am. One of my favorite things….being told that I am only sort of wise because I don’t get 5th grade math. WHO DOES?
~Happy Mother’s Day~